and its so hard to do/
and so easy to say/
but sometimes, sometimes/
you just have to walk away/
Yes while surreptitiously checking him out I thought "he's trouble" and I did know I should finish my beer and then go home, but I didn't. Maybe it was the silver bracelets he wore, or his dark complexion with just a hint of acne scarring that I find so sexy, I knew he was a half-breed. That healthy dollop of indigeny strikes a chord in my own dolloped soul. It could have been the grace he emitted while just standing there. I knew I should just quietly admire him and then run run run away. Instead I turned to him, smiled a charming, mischevious smile and said;
"I have this theory about cougars, I think in the future they will be much better looking"( this was before cougar town the television show came out so hey maybe i'm a little psychic but anyway on to different delusions) He looked confused, but I confuse people all the time so I wasn't taken aback by this. He asked "what do you mean?"
I said " Well around here you have to smoke outside the bar, maybe that fresh air will help a cougars complexion"
He laughed, later he told me " I don't know why you were talking about cougars that night, you're too young to be a cougar" he told me this because he's 14 years older than me. A fact that caused my Mom to emphatically declare "EWWW" when I told her. This outburts irritated me. It also confirmed my attraction to him, if my Mom was grossed out it had to be a good thing in the form of a bad thing. Its just that I have a huge weakness for bad things when it comes to human entanglements. I always have.
Sometimes, something good comes out of getting into trouble. Something miraculous. In the case of my reverse cougar hook-up it was a relationship that begot a beautiful child. But troubled relationships and baby daughters make for grown women looking for trouble, and its a cycle i'm loathe to see repeated by my miraculous offspring. So I left all that badness behind.
Ah badness, I'm not going to lie I miss it. But only the good parts, the coffee made for me every morning. The kisses that were like quenching my thirst from the purest mountain stream. The way it felt when we were entwined, like the best false-sense-of-security drug I've never tried.The make out sessions that made me feel like I was on a wonderful tropical holiday. So what made the rest of all that good loving taste like papaya's rotting in paradise?
Well there were all night waiting-for-him-to-get-out-of-the-bar sessions. The stupid jealousy on his part. The stupid fight where a drunken him would destroy a toilet in a hotel room. The inability to understand my affinity for creative uninhibitedness and my aversion to housekeeping and organization. And the overall oppressive, creativity stifling atmoshpere needed to continue being co-dependant. The exhaustion on top of exhaustion I experienced while fighting to not let his demons destroy the joy I feel caring for his daughter.
So here I am in this particular corner of cyberspace tippity tapping on the keys. I know there are others out there like me. Who love danger and gambling with their emotions even when they perceive the damage done. I know there are people who've experienced a sea-change when they've become parents. And I would like us to meet here. I'll be back in many forms. I will tell more of this story, and other stories. I'll use different mediums. I'll do this to reclaim who I am. I'll do it for my daughter. And I'll do it for you.
